Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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