Apparently you make a good broom.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
