don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize