got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I deserve this hangover.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
