My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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