i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
