Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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