Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize