sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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