in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
