dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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