I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
