He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
