Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
