so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
