Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize