just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
