Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize