He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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