there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Randomize
