so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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