If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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