You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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