i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
