I think I just saw someone hide a body.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
