you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
