I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
