My liver just broke up with me...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
