The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
