i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
