Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
