My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
