Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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