first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
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