false alarm. still invincible.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He felt like a one man threesome
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
