We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
