Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
