Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
