Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
two words: eviction party
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
