I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
