Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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