You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I need to align my fucking chakras
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
