Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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