Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
