Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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