I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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