The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
