you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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