And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
