booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
