on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
