yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize