Where is the hickey?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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